On the eve of my thirtieth birthday, I find myself pulling together the fragments and sentiments of the last decade. That time my eyes first locked with Matt’s and I could feel his authenticity and kindness before I even knew him. The decisions to leave past career molds and forge into the unknown – although at times was scary, these are the moments that allow you to crack the boundaries and emerge a more confident, more loving, more self-aware version of yourself.
I’ve thought a lot lately about turning thirty, as people expect you to have some kind of crazy revelation or melt down – or maybe a combination of the two? I haven’t had either, exactly, and I don’t feel really any thing about turning thirty except this: grateful. To be alive, in this moment, with the people I love, in this world that we live in. Even in the hardest moments, life is good (and I strongly believe that our worst moments unhinge the roof on gratitude and make space for more than you even thought possible).
As I reflect on the past ten years, some thoughts:
Beauty in the tiny moments. I strive to live in the little details. If you pass them by, I find that you miss out on so much of the good stuff. As it relates to gratitude, I have to thank my loving parents and sisters for instilling in me such a devout sense of hope and perpetual thanksgiving. The foundation that my childhood set allowed me to navigate the twists and turns of my twenties, confident that there was always a greater good, a silver lining, even if it was difficult to see. Taking evening walks with my Dad who has an ever curious childlike mind made me, too, look for beauty in odd places. To walk slowly so that we don’t miss the chance to see and feel. Matt has opened a new door on this kind of beauty, too, – his thoughtfulness is etched into every part of my heart.
Finding my balance through kindness. For years, I looked to others to help me find balance – as a sensitive soul, my nerves are sometimes in overdrive. This has been one of the largest takeaways from this decade – how to reckon with those nerves and instead of viewing them as the “obstacle” or “enemy”, I’ve changed my perspective to greet all those nerves and parts of myself instead of pushing into a dark corner. Above all, kindness breeds understanding, acceptance, and love. My nerves have calmed because they’ve been heard, understood – and although balance is something I still strive to find (and am sure I always will) – the bad vibes and general fear-related nerves have dissolved, stepped back, because they have been met with love.
This moment is the best moment. The wrinkles around my eyes have become just a little more defined in my twenty-ninth year. I like to believe that those hours of laughter were 100% worth it. It’s a funny thing. At twenty-five, you feel like you’ve peaked – that you are getting so old, that youth is a thing of the past. As I enter the realm of thirty-somethings, I want to remind myself that my future-self would beg of me to enjoy and embrace and hold on to and let go at every turn. The best moment is now.
Letting go. In my twenties, I recognize that I made a lot of decisions based on fear. I learned to stop hanging on to fear as a bad thing and instead decided to flow with it. It’s amazing what happens when you gently loosen the strains on resistance and allow space to breathe and let be.
As I head into this next part of my life, I don’t expect any big shift. I do like reflecting on the places I’ve been and things I’ve learned, so that these next years can be as liberating and beautiful as possible. I hope to continue to live authentically and seek adventure and good in all that I encounter. I hope to spend more time with those that I love and who overflow my cup with joy, love, and all-around abundance. I couldn’t be more excited for this next chapter, but man, with all – and despite of – the bad, crazy, and good moments of my twenties, I wouldn’t have changed a thing.