Wow. Has it really been six months since I’ve last posted? It’s crazy how time moves with a newborn baby. It felt like time was suspended those first few weeks – nurse, pump, offer bottle, burp, change diaper, snooze (me and babe), wake up in a worried state that I missed something. Waiting for anything to go wrong.
You prep so much for childbirth. Most of my pregnancy was devoted to having a magical (or the least painful) birth and preparing for the unpreparedness that such a momentous occasion would bring.
During pregnancy, your priority is to take care of yourself (don’t forget your prenatals, be sure to eat well, move everyday) and ensure that you are doing everything to foster a happy and safe environment for your growing baby. As much as pregnancy shared its difficulties (mostly nausea, heartburn, and lots of discomfort, especially in the final trimester), it was this special time where your growing body was the most important priority and it was expected that you would splurge on that extra massage, if you had the money. It was good for you and the baby.
Fast forward, your delivery happens in whatever way it’s going to happen and you’re blessed with (hopefully) a healthy baby. What comes next? I had no idea. It was such an overwhelming feeling. I was flooded with so many emotions – love, of course, but then bewilderment (Milo was born three weeks early. I didn’t even read about diapers!), and some anxiety. It is such a monumental shift. One that I am still trying to really grasp. I found that people talked around it, but never really focused on how big the moment from married to married with kids would feel. Perhaps it’s because there are so few words to really explain how it feels. Even now, these words fall flat.
The first few weeks of being a new mom were blissful. I was caught up in this crazy love and couldn’t believe that I had this beautiful, healthy baby boy. He came earlier than expected but more important than anything, he was healthy. I felt so lucky… and relieved.
But after the first six weeks, I started to feel that old familiar friend, anxiety, pop back up. This transition wasn’t temporary (and not that I wanted it to be!) and I didn’t really know how to adjust my life and perceptions accordingly. Milo developed an allergy to milk protein and it took several weeks to uncover the source of his extreme fussiness. It was really difficult to have a baby that I couldn’t soothe – and I never knew when he was going to start screaming. I had a total loss of control, and that was really scary.
During this time, I relied heavily on my support network, and sought out new mom friends that I knew could relate in some way to my experience. I found solace in honest friendships, where I could string verbs together to make a conversation feel like an action plan. I am so honored to be Milo’s mom and have loved this journey into motherhood so very much, but that doesn’t mean that those elated feelings need to be isolated to be true. Change is scary, and so is unpredictability. But they don’t need to be. I am learning that these emotions lay the foundation for something great.
Most of all, I’m realizing that this journey evolves every single day. I’m learning to simply witness any judgment I have, but not letting that judgement dictate the next scene. I’m saying ‘yes’ to each moment, even if it scares me, because this time is ever fleeting and I don’t want to miss a single thing.